why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
