Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She's the barista slut.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
