I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
