My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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