I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
