neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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