please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
