I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
