I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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