I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
