Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need a beard to bite.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
