This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
