Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
