Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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