He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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