matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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