my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
