i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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