so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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