go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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