well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hippo gnu deer
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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