chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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