It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
