Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
