Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
