Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
