just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
