bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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