I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Boobs are out for the taking
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
