I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
