chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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