Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
