Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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