shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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