I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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