this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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