So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
