I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
