I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
