Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
