he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
