I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
