i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
