Four minutes until I can fart!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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