There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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