one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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