watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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