your room smells of hookers.
And success
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
