Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
