I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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